The wonderful complexity of people
A Tail of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Johnny Stevenson (maybe others)
People are wonderfully complex experiences
My feelings of disappointed with my current commercial role are returning to the forefront of my mind. Many aspects of the role and company seem to be clear in peoples minds but not always effectively shared. I think I understand the role and then something else happens that makes me feel I don't. I believe something will need to change soon for the benefit of all.
There have been a few highlights with the role, but I expected more of myself and the company. I do set high expectations for myself, although have learned to be more kind about what I can realistically achieve and 'which battles to fight' (figuratively speaking of course).
During this engagement I have continually reset my expectations about what could be achieved and what I could realistically achieve. There are a couple of peers where there has been conflict without understanding of why I am seen as the cause. I have tried to explore but if people do have issues with me its not clearly being communicated to me.
In hindsight, many opportunities to get support from my manger and peers were missed. Mostly as we had so many challenges to discuss and partly due to pressures of delivery.
When a person doesn't have clarity around a problem then there is very little they can do to resolve or adapt.
A self-reflection review is in progress and its is a good opportunity to take my own time to reflect on my current role and if its still the right fit for me.
Challenges at workλ︎
I seem to have lost communication or trust with the team and its not clear why. I did carve out an on-boarding plan as my duties are required as an engineering manager. I told the team that there was a plan, but it seems they have other ideas about what to do. Ideas were welcome and requested as I formulated the plan, but then perhaps down to enthusiasm other team members started defining their own tasks without sharing them to me so I could plan around them.
So its easy for me to start having doubts that about my relationship with the team and how much of this communication was often hidden from me. Was this done on purpose or was sharing these details with their engineering manager simply not considered.
I have spent a year working with the team and as the "Engineering Manager" they did feel distant at times which I ascribed to the rather intense schedule of work. When I specifically reached out to the team, they were mostly happy to talk with me and steadily started to share their concerns. Some engineers did start pro-actively reaching out to me and allowing me to help them.
It is very easy as an engineer to become insular and minimise interaction with others, especially when the environment is highly pressured or very fast paced. There can also be insecurity when talking to a perceived person of positional power, it happens to many of us.
Thank you.
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